WhatsApp group name: One World
Declassified chat transcript from: February 4, 2021
Kamala Harris: Hi Joe! Are you in office? I’m on my way. See you at the White House soon
Joe Biden is typing…
Donald Trump: White House is MINE. I am the White House
Kamala Harris: He’s at it again. Group admin, when will WhatsApp ban him?
Joe Biden is typing…
Donald Trump: You guys STOLE the election. America loves only ME!
Joe Biden is typing…
Donald Trump: What are you typing, Sleepy Joe? Your WILL or your RESIGNATION?
Kamala Harris: This is ungentlemanly behaviour
Hillary Clinton: Totally. I am with you
Donald Trump: CROOKED Hillary is here. Wait till 2024. ALL of you
Vladimir Putin: Brother Don! Just saw you mention 2024 in that stupid group. Can we have a quick call? Got a great secret plan for you for the 2024 election
Hillary Clinton: Secret plan! What are we seeing here? The cat is out of the bag
Donald Trump: @#$%&*^&%$#
Vladimir Putin: Oops, wrong window. Sorry, everyone. The chat is meant for a friend. Not for the group. Please ignore
Hillary Clinton: We know who your friend is. Knew long back
Donald Trump: Russia is a respectable nation. Not like CHINA. Which gave us the WUHAN VIRUS
Joe Biden is typing…
Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?
UN HQ: The United Nations is concerned with an ongoing escalation of exchanges on the digital forum that is home to the world’s top leaders and minds. We urge everyone to calm down
Human Rights Watch: We are concerned with what is happening on this platform. We call for an immediate truce
Amnesty International: We are concerned over rising tensions between various stakeholders in this group are we urge global peace and cooperation
Greenpeace: We find the escalation of tensions extremely concerning and call for all stakeholders to immediately calm down
Joe Biden is typing…
Donald Trump: There, the band music has started. CIRCUS!
Kamala Harris: How to stop this man? The chat window is flooded with Trump’s nonsense
Barack Obama: Just ignore
Barack Obama: Btw @JoeBiden Get cracking at the Nobel peace prize quick
Barack Obama: Don’t delay it till after the wars you’ll launch. Otherwise, the prize will be too late to win. Too much anti-war activism
Barack Obama: I got it gifted to me right after I joined work. My formula: first, get the Nobel, after that, bomb the shit out of people
Joe Biden is typing…
Kamala Harris: Joe must be writing some rather important message for us. Sure, Barack. Will pass on the advice
Donald Trump: Sleepy Joe is STILL typing his resignation
Hillary Clinton: @Barack @Kamala What’s a good place to bomb now?
Barack Obama: They’re checking with Pentagon. And Pentagon is taking time. They lost the world map. They’re ordering one on Amazon
Barack Obama: Not a lot of options left. We’ve successfully bombed down most of the world
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, true. Iran is there, but they’re our camp now. Can’t target them. Dunno what’s left. Maybe we should go back to Iraq
Barack Obama: Yes, Iraq it must be. We should take care of what’s been rebuilt while we were away. Lol
Tony Blair: I’m in
Boris Johnson: You are out
George W Bush: I know a few places left to be bombed. DM me if interested
Tony Blair: I got a spare world map. Sent it to Pentagon. Marked the places I didn’t get time to bomb
Kim Jong Un left the group
Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?
Donald Trump: CROOKED Hillary, beware! Julian Assange is in the group. He’s reading your chats. Gonna expose you AGAIN
Hillary Clinton: Admin, can we please eject @Trump and @Assange from the group?
Joe Biden is typing…
Mark Zuckerberg: Hey guys! Been following the chatter
Mark Zuckerberg: Don’t panic, people. All your chats are encrypted. They’re safe with us. You can trust WhatsApp. Nobody is exposing anybody. Relax, happy chatting
Hillary Clinton: Thanks, Mark! Much appreciated
Donald Trump: @Zuckerberg So you admit that you’re snooping on us. And you say we’re all SAFE. Haha. What a JOKE
Sundar Pichai: That’s not called snooping. We keep a close watch on you solely for your safety
Edward Snowden: That’s the joke of the day
Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?
Joe Biden is typing…
WHO Geneva: BREAKING NEWS
WHO Geneva: Just received some very bad news about the pandemic. The global tally of infections has now crossed 120 million
Donald Trump: Fake news, FAKE NEWS
Anthony Fauci: Oh no! This is alarming
Donald Trump: @Fauci Yes, as alarming as your track record as a FAKE doctor
WHO Geneva: Okay everybody, can we have a quick emergency meeting on the extraordinary Covid-19 situation?
Boris Johnson: Friends, just received information from highly-placed sources. Coronavirus cases have crossed 120 million
Emmanuel Macron: Don’t share stale news. Also, don’t share the new strain of the virus
Boris Johnson: Oh, I missed the chats. @Macron I call upon you to behave. Remember, you’re talking to a Covid survivor. I almost died
Emmanuel Macron: Stop creating a sympathy wave. And stop exaggerating your illness. Half the world has Covid-19
Angela Merkel: Chill guys. Don’t fight like schoolboys. There’s a life beyond Brexit
Xi Jinping: Lol. First time I laughed in many years
Vladimir Putin: Me too
Donald Trump: CAREFUL with the words ‘me too’! Leave that to me
Bill Clinton: Lol. Good one
Bill Clinton: Time for a quick cigar
WHO Geneva: Don’t think a gentlemanly meeting is possible here. Can we have a vote then?
WHO Geneva: ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ for another lockdown. Voting starts now
Anthony Fauci: Yes
Boris Johnson: Yes
Angela Merkel: Yes
Narendra Modi: Yes
Bill Gates: Yes. Permanently
Joe Biden is typing…
Emmanuel Macron: No
Donald Trump: NO!!!
Jair Bolsonaro: No
Vladimir Putin: KGB says No
Narendra Modi: Changed my mind. No
Benjamin Netanyahu: No for Israel. Yes for West Bank and Gaza
Xi Jinping: Same here. No for mainland China. Yes for Tibet
Imran Khan: It’s not in my hands. Will ask the army
Saudi King: Have asked Royal Dutch Shell and Exxon Mobil. Waiting
Ashraf Ghani: No
Taliban: @Ghani We have placed your house in Afghanistan under a lockdown
Dalai Lama: Yes
Xi Jinping: @DalaiLama Sorry, you don’t have the right to vote
Kim Jong Un has been added to the group
Kim Jong Un: What is lockdown? What is coronavirus?
UN HQ: Congratulations @WHO for making US, China and India agree on something for the first time ever
Bill Clinton: Lol
Bill Clinton: Time for another cigar
WHO Geneva: So, it’s a divided house. No clear winner
Jair Bolsonaro: Yes, a divided house. Intelligent leaders don’t want a lockdown. Dumb ones want it
Donald Trump: SPOT ON
Joe Biden is typing…
Jair Bolsonaro: I tell you, all this is a big scam! The little flu, the lockdowns, and now the vaccines
Moderna: Disagree. Our newest vaccine is 99.92% effective
Pfizer-BioNtech: Ours is even better. It’s 99.97% effective
Oxford-AstraZeneca: Hear us out then. Our one is 99.99% effective
Vladimir Putin: Sputnik V is 101.98% effective
Anthony Fauci: Russia, China and India – don’t try making your own vaccines. Leave it to us, the best in the business
Jair Bolsonaro: The best vaccine gangsters, you mean. Selling overpriced droplets of water to poor governments. Knew from day one it’s a fraud
WHO Geneva: What about the rising deaths and infections then?
Jair Bolsonaro: Fake data
Donald Trump: Yeah, FAKE NEWS. When I was the President of the United States – and I STILL am – it was me who tamed the WUHAN virus. America LOVES me
Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?
WHO Geneva: Fine, chapter closed. The call to take action is up to each one of you individually
Kamala Harris: Let’s change the subject. @UN Are you following what’s happening in Myanmar? There’s a coup. We’re concerned
Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?
Xi Jinping: Americans get concerned about coups selectively
Alexei Navalny: Ahhhhh!
Hillary Clinton: What happened, son? Are you alright?
Alexei Navalny: Help! I’m choking! Think it’s Novichok
Alexei Navalny left the group
Vladimir Putin: He is such an attention seeker
Donald Trump: He WAS
Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?
Joe Biden is typing…
Donald Trump: Sleepy Joe is STILL typing his will
Greta Thunberg: Where there’s a will, there’s a way
Donald Trump: Oh shut up! Who’s asking you? You little climate change REPORTER
Greta Thunberg: Pride comes before the fall
Donald Trump: That line’s STOLEN from the Bible or some movie
Jair Bolsonaro: Tired of climate change reporters. Any shit happens to any tree in Brazil – they always blame me
Donald Trump: CROOKED cartel. You know what? You know what? All they want is the good ol’ OIL BUSINESS to shut shop
Mark Zuckerberg: Hi all, sorry for the interruption. It’s urgent
Mark Zuckerberg: Some bad news. Something’s just happened. Someone somehow has leaked this entire chat. It’s now trending as #WHOletthedogsout
Joe Biden is typing…
Angela Merkel: Oh damn!
Bill Clinton: Oh shit! Not the best time for a cigar
Boris Johnson: Oh hell!
Xi Jinping: Oh that’s great!
Donald Trump: Who dunnit? Who’s the CULPRIT?
Julian Assange: It’s me. The chats are up on WikiLeaks website and our social media handles. Goodnight and good luck
Hillary Clinton: It’s him again! Nooooo…
Hillary Clinton left the group
Monica Lewinsky left the group
Donald Trump is Group Admin
Stormy Daniels is Group Admin
Vladimir Putin is Group Admin
CIA left the group
FBI left the group
ISI left the group
Islamic State left the group
Taliban left the group
Nirav Modi left the group
Cambridge Analytica left the group
Angela Merkel: Oh god! Didn’t know these people were in the group
Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?
Joe Biden is typing…
Joe Biden is typing…
Kamala Harris left the group
Joe Biden is typing…
Joe Biden: Hi Kamala! Yes, I am in office
(This is a satirical piece)
