Chats From A WhatsApp Group Of World Leaders

WhatsApp group name: One World

Declassified chat transcript from: February 4, 2021

Kamala Harris: Hi Joe! Are you in office? I’m on my way. See you at the White House soon

Joe Biden is typing…

Donald Trump: White House is MINE. I am the White House

Kamala Harris: He’s at it again. Group admin, when will WhatsApp ban him?

Joe Biden is typing…

Donald Trump: You guys STOLE the election. America loves only ME!

Joe Biden is typing…

Donald Trump: What are you typing, Sleepy Joe? Your WILL or your RESIGNATION?

Kamala Harris: This is ungentlemanly behaviour

Hillary Clinton: Totally. I am with you

Donald Trump: CROOKED Hillary is here. Wait till 2024. ALL of you

Vladimir Putin: Brother Don! Just saw you mention 2024 in that stupid group. Can we have a quick call? Got a great secret plan for you for the 2024 election

Hillary Clinton: Secret plan! What are we seeing here? The cat is out of the bag

Donald Trump: @#$%&*^&%$#

Vladimir Putin: Oops, wrong window. Sorry, everyone. The chat is meant for a friend. Not for the group. Please ignore

Hillary Clinton: We know who your friend is. Knew long back

Donald Trump: Russia is a respectable nation. Not like CHINA. Which gave us the WUHAN VIRUS

Joe Biden is typing…

Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?

UN HQ: The United Nations is concerned with an ongoing escalation of exchanges on the digital forum that is home to the world’s top leaders and minds. We urge everyone to calm down

Human Rights Watch: We are concerned with what is happening on this platform. We call for an immediate truce

Amnesty International: We are concerned over rising tensions between various stakeholders in this group are we urge global peace and cooperation

Greenpeace: We find the escalation of tensions extremely concerning and call for all stakeholders to immediately calm down

Joe Biden is typing…

Donald Trump: There, the band music has started. CIRCUS!

Kamala Harris: How to stop this man? The chat window is flooded with Trump’s nonsense

Barack Obama: Just ignore

Barack Obama: Btw @JoeBiden Get cracking at the Nobel peace prize quick

Barack Obama: Don’t delay it till after the wars you’ll launch. Otherwise, the prize will be too late to win. Too much anti-war activism

Barack Obama: I got it gifted to me right after I joined work. My formula: first, get the Nobel, after that, bomb the shit out of people

Joe Biden is typing…

Kamala Harris: Joe must be writing some rather important message for us. Sure, Barack. Will pass on the advice

Donald Trump: Sleepy Joe is STILL typing his resignation

Hillary Clinton: @Barack @Kamala What’s a good place to bomb now?

Barack Obama: They’re checking with Pentagon. And Pentagon is taking time. They lost the world map. They’re ordering one on Amazon

Barack Obama: Not a lot of options left. We’ve successfully bombed down most of the world

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, true. Iran is there, but they’re our camp now. Can’t target them. Dunno what’s left. Maybe we should go back to Iraq

Barack Obama: Yes, Iraq it must be. We should take care of what’s been rebuilt while we were away. Lol

Tony Blair: I’m in

Boris Johnson: You are out

George W Bush: I know a few places left to be bombed. DM me if interested

Tony Blair: I got a spare world map. Sent it to Pentagon. Marked the places I didn’t get time to bomb

Kim Jong Un left the group

Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?

Donald Trump: CROOKED Hillary, beware! Julian Assange is in the group. He’s reading your chats. Gonna expose you AGAIN

Hillary Clinton: Admin, can we please eject @Trump and @Assange from the group?

Joe Biden is typing…

Mark Zuckerberg: Hey guys! Been following the chatter

Mark Zuckerberg: Don’t panic, people. All your chats are encrypted. They’re safe with us. You can trust WhatsApp. Nobody is exposing anybody. Relax, happy chatting

Hillary Clinton: Thanks, Mark! Much appreciated

Donald Trump: @Zuckerberg So you admit that you’re snooping on us. And you say we’re all SAFE. Haha. What a JOKE

Sundar Pichai: That’s not called snooping. We keep a close watch on you solely for your safety

Edward Snowden: That’s the joke of the day

Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?

Joe Biden is typing…

WHO Geneva: BREAKING NEWS

WHO Geneva: Just received some very bad news about the pandemic. The global tally of infections has now crossed 120 million

Donald Trump: Fake news, FAKE NEWS

Anthony Fauci: Oh no! This is alarming

Donald Trump: @Fauci Yes, as alarming as your track record as a FAKE doctor

WHO Geneva: Okay everybody, can we have a quick emergency meeting on the extraordinary Covid-19 situation?

Boris Johnson: Friends, just received information from highly-placed sources. Coronavirus cases have crossed 120 million

Emmanuel Macron: Don’t share stale news. Also, don’t share the new strain of the virus

Boris Johnson: Oh, I missed the chats. @Macron I call upon you to behave. Remember, you’re talking to a Covid survivor. I almost died

Emmanuel Macron: Stop creating a sympathy wave. And stop exaggerating your illness. Half the world has Covid-19

Angela Merkel: Chill guys. Don’t fight like schoolboys. There’s a life beyond Brexit

Xi Jinping: Lol. First time I laughed in many years

Vladimir Putin: Me too

Donald Trump: CAREFUL with the words ‘me too’! Leave that to me

Bill Clinton: Lol. Good one

Bill Clinton: Time for a quick cigar

WHO Geneva: Don’t think a gentlemanly meeting is possible here. Can we have a vote then?

WHO Geneva: ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ for another lockdown. Voting starts now

Anthony Fauci: Yes

Boris Johnson: Yes

Angela Merkel: Yes

Narendra Modi: Yes

Bill Gates: Yes. Permanently

Joe Biden is typing…

Emmanuel Macron: No

Donald Trump: NO!!!

Jair Bolsonaro: No

Vladimir Putin: KGB says No

Narendra Modi: Changed my mind. No

Benjamin Netanyahu: No for Israel. Yes for West Bank and Gaza

Xi Jinping: Same here. No for mainland China. Yes for Tibet

Imran Khan: It’s not in my hands. Will ask the army

Saudi King: Have asked Royal Dutch Shell and Exxon Mobil. Waiting

Ashraf Ghani: No

Taliban: @Ghani We have placed your house in Afghanistan under a lockdown

Dalai Lama: Yes

Xi Jinping: @DalaiLama Sorry, you don’t have the right to vote

Kim Jong Un has been added to the group

Kim Jong Un: What is lockdown? What is coronavirus?

UN HQ: Congratulations @WHO for making US, China and India agree on something for the first time ever

Bill Clinton: Lol

Bill Clinton: Time for another cigar

WHO Geneva: So, it’s a divided house. No clear winner

Jair Bolsonaro: Yes, a divided house. Intelligent leaders don’t want a lockdown. Dumb ones want it

Donald Trump: SPOT ON

Joe Biden is typing…

Jair Bolsonaro: I tell you, all this is a big scam! The little flu, the lockdowns, and now the vaccines

Moderna: Disagree. Our newest vaccine is 99.92% effective

Pfizer-BioNtech: Ours is even better. It’s 99.97% effective

Oxford-AstraZeneca: Hear us out then. Our one is 99.99% effective

Vladimir Putin: Sputnik V is 101.98% effective

Anthony Fauci: Russia, China and India – don’t try making your own vaccines. Leave it to us, the best in the business

Jair Bolsonaro: The best vaccine gangsters, you mean. Selling overpriced droplets of water to poor governments. Knew from day one it’s a fraud

WHO Geneva: What about the rising deaths and infections then?

Jair Bolsonaro: Fake data

Donald Trump: Yeah, FAKE NEWS. When I was the President of the United States – and I STILL am – it was me who tamed the WUHAN virus. America LOVES me

Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?  

WHO Geneva: Fine, chapter closed. The call to take action is up to each one of you individually

Kamala Harris: Let’s change the subject. @UN Are you following what’s happening in Myanmar? There’s a coup. We’re concerned

Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?

Xi Jinping: Americans get concerned about coups selectively

Alexei Navalny: Ahhhhh! 

Hillary Clinton: What happened, son? Are you alright?

Alexei Navalny: Help! I’m choking! Think it’s Novichok

Alexei Navalny left the group

Vladimir Putin: He is such an attention seeker

Donald Trump: He WAS

Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?

Joe Biden is typing…

Donald Trump: Sleepy Joe is STILL typing his will

Greta Thunberg: Where there’s a will, there’s a way

Donald Trump: Oh shut up! Who’s asking you? You little climate change REPORTER

Greta Thunberg: Pride comes before the fall

Donald Trump: That line’s STOLEN from the Bible or some movie

Jair Bolsonaro: Tired of climate change reporters. Any shit happens to any tree in Brazil – they always blame me

Donald Trump: CROOKED cartel. You know what? You know what? All they want is the good ol’ OIL BUSINESS to shut shop

Mark Zuckerberg: Hi all, sorry for the interruption. It’s urgent

Mark Zuckerberg: Some bad news. Something’s just happened. Someone somehow has leaked this entire chat. It’s now trending as #WHOletthedogsout

Joe Biden is typing…

Angela Merkel: Oh damn!

Bill Clinton: Oh shit! Not the best time for a cigar

Boris Johnson: Oh hell!

Xi Jinping: Oh that’s great!

Donald Trump: Who dunnit? Who’s the CULPRIT?

Julian Assange: It’s me. The chats are up on WikiLeaks website and our social media handles. Goodnight and good luck

Hillary Clinton: It’s him again! Nooooo…

Hillary Clinton left the group

Monica Lewinsky left the group

Donald Trump is Group Admin

Stormy Daniels is Group Admin

Vladimir Putin is Group Admin

CIA left the group

FBI left the group

ISI left the group

Islamic State left the group

Taliban left the group

Nirav Modi left the group

Cambridge Analytica left the group

Angela Merkel: Oh god! Didn’t know these people were in the group

Rihanna: Why aren’t we talking about this?

Joe Biden is typing…

Joe Biden is typing…

Kamala Harris left the group

Joe Biden is typing…

Joe Biden: Hi Kamala! Yes, I am in office

(This is a satirical piece of work)

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